Yes, You are Being Judged

It’s a fact of life: humans judge one another. We judge people to understand if they’re someone we’re interested in, someone we might learn something from, someone we should stay away from. There’s no getting around it, yet the fear of being judged is one of the major issues I see when working with coaching clients.

One of the things that my clients inevitably learn is that how they love their life and the decisions they make are up to them and them alone. Getting to that point, though, can bring up a lot of angsty feelings, handwringing, and pearl-clutching. Because, you know…what will THEY think?

In fact, I once had a wonderful client who made SO MUCH PROGRESS over our time together. But she started from a point of fear of judgment so deep, she wouldn’t even wear a headband she liked. Yep, a headband. She thought this headband was adorable and she felt cute every time she put it on, but she wouldn’t wear it out of the house. Why? Because she was worried about what “people” would think about her. Because. Of. A. Headband.

This fear of judgment by “them” or “they” or, worse yet, “everybody” is what keeps a lot of people stuck for a very long time. 

This might show up in a lot of ways. Perhaps you don’t speak up and ask for a promotion at work because you’re worried your boss will think less of you for doing so. Maybe you avoid telling your partner what you need to be fulfilled in their relationship because you’re afraid they’ll think you’re nagging them and you don’t want to rock the boat. 

And, very probably, one of the reasons you don’t follow your passions is because you’re worried that people will judge you because it’s not the decision they would make.

But let’s unpack this a little bit. This fear of judgment? When we actually investigate it, we find that what we’re afraid of isn’t what people will think or say about us. What we’re actually afraid of is that they won’t think or say what we WANT THEM TO think or say about us.

You’ve probably accepted by now that you actually can’t control people... right? (You adorable little control freak!) How someone reacts to you is based on their own experiences, thoughts, beliefs, and emotional state. 

What other people think of you is their problem. It has LITERALLY NOTHING to do with you.

I’ll wait here while you read that again.

The real genius lies in understanding that we’re constantly being judged but accepting that every person we encounter is their own unique bundle of humanity. How they think and how they react belongs to them. You can’t get in their head and change their thoughts. It doesn’t work like that. Understanding that people are gonna go on being people and accepting that their experience of you is not your problem is the road to freedom. 

Once you get to that point, you’ll no longer need the opinions of other people to feel the way you want to feel. The need for external validation will be gone. You will give zero fucks whether they like your goddamned headband or not. 

And you will be free.It’s a fact of life: humans judge one another. We judge people to understand if they’re someone we’re interested in, someone we might learn something from, someone we should stay away from. There’s no getting around it, yet the fear of being judged is one of the major issues I see when working with coaching clients.

One of the things that my clients inevitably learn is that how they love their life and the decisions they make are up to them and them alone. Getting to that point, though, can bring up a lot of angsty feelings, handwringing, and pearl-clutching. Because, you know…what will THEY think?

In fact, I once had a wonderful client who made SO MUCH PROGRESS over our time together. But she started from a point of fear of judgment so deep, she wouldn’t even wear a headband she liked. Yep, a headband. She thought this headband was adorable and she felt cute every time she put it on, but she wouldn’t wear it out of the house. Why? Because she was worried about what “people” would think about her. Because. Of. A. Headband.

This fear of judgment by “them” or “they” or, worse yet, “everybody” is what keeps a lot of people stuck for a very long time. 

This might show up in a lot of ways. Perhaps you don’t speak up and ask for a promotion at work because you’re worried your boss will think less of you for doing so. Maybe you avoid telling your partner what you need to be fulfilled in their relationship because you’re afraid they’ll think you’re nagging them and you don’t want to rock the boat. 

And, very probably, one of the reasons you don’t follow your passions is because you’re worried that people will judge you because it’s not the decision they would make.

But let’s unpack this a little bit. This fear of judgment? When we actually investigate it, we find that what we’re afraid of isn’t what people will think or say about us. What we’re actually afraid of is that they won’t think or say what we WANT THEM TO think or say about us.

You’ve probably accepted by now that you actually can’t control people... right? (You adorable little control freak!) How someone reacts to you is based on their own experiences, thoughts, beliefs, and emotional state. 

What other people think of you is their problem. It has LITERALLY NOTHING to do with you.

I’ll wait here while you read that again.

The real genius lies in understanding that we’re constantly being judged but accepting that every person we encounter is their own unique bundle of humanity. How they think and how they react belongs to them. You can’t get in their head and change their thoughts. It doesn’t work like that. Understanding that people are gonna go on being people and accepting that their experience of you is not your problem is the road to freedom. 

Once you get to that point, you’ll no longer need the opinions of other people to feel the way you want to feel. The need for external validation will be gone. You will give zero fucks whether they like your goddamned headband or not. 

And you will be free.